Decisions

I'm constantly telling my kids that the right decision isn't always the easy one. And that's true. It's also something that is much easier said than done, as I'm sure we've all discovered. What I'm learning as I get older is that it becomes even harder. You're older, more set in your ways, have more fears. The thought of making those tough calls can be daunting.

Though I might say that making those decisions needs to be done, and they do when they're right, I'm not always making them myself. I find myself procrastinating for so many reasons. Mainly, I feel too old to start life over. I done got all used up!! I feel that trying to begin anew at this point puts me somewhere between un-appealing and spinsterhood.

But it is one of those tough choices. I'm not happy with my life, I need to make changes. Even if those changes leave me alone and starting over with nothing and no one, save my wonderful girls, thank God for them.

I'm not exactly old, but I'm not young either. And I don't make a lot of money. And starting over tomorrow would mean, literally, starting over with nothing, as I surely wouldn't be offered a pot to piss in, much less a bed to sleep in.

It's a cliche said so often but I find it true, I love my husband but I am not in love with him any more. I love him for the children we have, for the stability he has shown me and willingness he gave me these years to put up all of my crap. He's a good man, but not the man for me. Not any more.

But, like I said, the right choices are often the hardest. And I'm finding myself unable to make them because of all those fears. Is it better to be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong reasons? It's easy to answer until you find yourself there. I want to make the right call but what will happen if I do? I can't lie any more but what options does someone like me have?

I don't make very much money, I have barely mediocre credit and I hate sleeping alone. All these things, and more ( I won't even get into what an ugly divorce this would be), make my decision so difficult.

I'm beginning to wonder if it is just inevitable that I just stay where I am, unhappy and lying. But I hope not.