Decisions

I'm constantly telling my kids that the right decision isn't always the easy one. And that's true. It's also something that is much easier said than done, as I'm sure we've all discovered. What I'm learning as I get older is that it becomes even harder. You're older, more set in your ways, have more fears. The thought of making those tough calls can be daunting.

Though I might say that making those decisions needs to be done, and they do when they're right, I'm not always making them myself. I find myself procrastinating for so many reasons. Mainly, I feel too old to start life over. I done got all used up!! I feel that trying to begin anew at this point puts me somewhere between un-appealing and spinsterhood.

But it is one of those tough choices. I'm not happy with my life, I need to make changes. Even if those changes leave me alone and starting over with nothing and no one, save my wonderful girls, thank God for them.

I'm not exactly old, but I'm not young either. And I don't make a lot of money. And starting over tomorrow would mean, literally, starting over with nothing, as I surely wouldn't be offered a pot to piss in, much less a bed to sleep in.

It's a cliche said so often but I find it true, I love my husband but I am not in love with him any more. I love him for the children we have, for the stability he has shown me and willingness he gave me these years to put up all of my crap. He's a good man, but not the man for me. Not any more.

But, like I said, the right choices are often the hardest. And I'm finding myself unable to make them because of all those fears. Is it better to be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong reasons? It's easy to answer until you find yourself there. I want to make the right call but what will happen if I do? I can't lie any more but what options does someone like me have?

I don't make very much money, I have barely mediocre credit and I hate sleeping alone. All these things, and more ( I won't even get into what an ugly divorce this would be), make my decision so difficult.

I'm beginning to wonder if it is just inevitable that I just stay where I am, unhappy and lying. But I hope not.

Ends and Beginnings

It's true that our entire lives are filled with ends and beginnings. Not to mention the great beginning and the bittersweet ending that is experienced by us all. I'm talking about inbetween beginnings and endings. Plum full we are of them.

We begin school and end it, we begin jobs and them, we begin friendships and often end them, we begin projects and end them. Everything has its beginning and ending. At this point in my life I'm coming into my own, an ending.

Though some endings are jubilant and full of hope, some are not. Though relief is present, joy is not. The end of a marriage, of ten years of a life spent as a couple, is, at best relieving and bittersweet. At worst, excruciating and heartbreaking. Sometimes it's all of that, as I am learning.

I have yet to actually speak the words to anyone, including my other half. In fact, the thought of saying it out loud is almost too much. I can't fathom that it's come to this, yet it has. I really don't want anyone to know, which I know is impossible. My fears are vast and consuming.

I have nowhere to go really, though I'm working on it. I have no money. I have little to take with me. Other than my memories and the gratefulness I feel at having at least been given the gift of my beautiful daughter. It's the best thing that came from my marriage, and she makes it all worth it.

I just don't know what to do next. How do I say it? How do I leave? How do I start over? I'm terrified of going, of staying. I'm terrified of an ugly fight over a beautiful child.

Welcome to Myself

Okay, here I am attempting to get back into the creative groove and pick up my blog. I lost my computer some time ago and even though I replaced it, I failed to continue the blogs. So here I am, always inspired but often tired. However, I must be firm and disciplined. I have a lot to say after all, and few who want to listen. It's a shame.

Times they are a changin. Well, not really. Okay, I can't afford to buy gas any more and my oldest has moved out of the house, but that's about the most in terms of change that has happened. Still married, still employed, still broke, but still pretty damn happy.

So, let this be a simple post to christen my return to my own brain...may I find it half as stimulating as I once did.

Sorry Guys

Ok, it looks like my blogging days are over for now. I can't afford to have my computer fixed right now. However, I can access my email at work so I'm going out on a limb and posting my email address because I really want to keep in touch. I hope you do too. It is: loriberg@mchsi.com I hope I get to hear from you soon. And I hope you have all been doing well.
Sissy

Happy Father's Day

Hi guys!! I'm spending the night at my mom's and thought I would drop in to say Happy Father's Day to those it applies. I wish I could say I have a great day planned with my dad or my hubby but I do not. I don't speak to my dad, and my hubby has to work. Bummer. But I will be spending part of the day with the hubby, and part with my step dad (who is the best ever). I hope you all have a great one!!! Love to all of you dads and thanks!!
Sissy

Not as Young as I Used to Be

No, my computer isn't up and running I'm sorry to say. I'm at my mother's house!! As usual, my mom is always there to help me out. She's the best. Anyway, I thought I'd get on and give a hello to you all. I kinda miss the comraderie I've found here.

This has been a fun weekend. Went shopping with my girls and stopped at the park on the way home. For some strange, fuzzy minded reason I decided I was able to teach my kids some of my favorite gymnastic moves I used to practice when I was much younger, much more flexible and much thinner. However, I decided that having lost so much weight I was absolutely ready to give it another go. It's a defect I have, thinking I'm still 20 years old and rubbery. Well, I'm not.

However, I am pleased to say that I was able to pull them off. That's right! I did my standing back bends, round offs, and a few more things(damn! I'll never do the splits again). I was happy as hell to do it. So happy in fact, that I deemed it necessary to not only show my kids I could do it, but felt the need to show them I could do it many times. I'm pretty sure I hadn't hit my head in the process but looking back now I'm not so sure. Clearly I wasn't thinking about the aftermath of such physical bravado for someone in my physical condition. Lighter by 60 pounds doesn't equal Mary Lou Retton abilities.

I spent the afternoon doing these things, feeling like a million bucks that my body was cooperating, feeling even better that I was doing things my much younger, healthier kids can't do. I was showing and teaching, laughing and flipping all over the park. Piglet said I might be old but I could do cool things!! That was the best. I left feeling I might just be the best mom ever! Okay, maybe not, but it felt pretty darn good.

Fast forward to this morning....

Okay, not so good. Really. Not so good at all. Actually, really crappy. I am stiff, sore, tight and unable to move even my little toe without feeling muscles twitch and burn. It's ridiculous. I'm playing it down of course, not wanting to shatter the image my little one has of me, thinking I've only been inches away from Olympic glory because I am that good!!! But I hurt.

Actually, it's pretty funny. Sad and funny. I guess I still have a ways to go to get back into shape.

Sissy

Computer Gripes

Hi guys.Sorry it's been pathetic lately. My computer at home is on the fritz. Yup...I'm living in the dark ages!! I'm having to do this at work on my break. So, needless to say, my posts are going to be pretty lame for a while. I just don't have the time here at work to think too much or write much!! But I'm gonna continue to read and post when I can. Hopefully it won't be too long. I miss you all.