Ends and Beginnings

It's true that our entire lives are filled with ends and beginnings. Not to mention the great beginning and the bittersweet ending that is experienced by us all. I'm talking about inbetween beginnings and endings. Plum full we are of them.

We begin school and end it, we begin jobs and them, we begin friendships and often end them, we begin projects and end them. Everything has its beginning and ending. At this point in my life I'm coming into my own, an ending.

Though some endings are jubilant and full of hope, some are not. Though relief is present, joy is not. The end of a marriage, of ten years of a life spent as a couple, is, at best relieving and bittersweet. At worst, excruciating and heartbreaking. Sometimes it's all of that, as I am learning.

I have yet to actually speak the words to anyone, including my other half. In fact, the thought of saying it out loud is almost too much. I can't fathom that it's come to this, yet it has. I really don't want anyone to know, which I know is impossible. My fears are vast and consuming.

I have nowhere to go really, though I'm working on it. I have no money. I have little to take with me. Other than my memories and the gratefulness I feel at having at least been given the gift of my beautiful daughter. It's the best thing that came from my marriage, and she makes it all worth it.

I just don't know what to do next. How do I say it? How do I leave? How do I start over? I'm terrified of going, of staying. I'm terrified of an ugly fight over a beautiful child.