Money

I don't consider myself a materialistic person. Well, a little as in I like to shop and enjoy buying things for myself and other people. However, when push comes to shove, I know that what's real important in my life isn't money. The things that matter most to me are that my kids are mine and they're healthy, that I have a faithful husband, I have a job, I have a great family and great friends. That's what really matters to me.

Being a decent person with fairly good values is why the money issue bothers me so much. I have my priorities straight and yet still find that so much of my life is based on money. And I hate that.

The truth is that we struggle a great deal. I don't let myself feel sorry for myself because I am perfectly aware that so many people have it so much worse than I do. Regardless of how strapped I feel, I am still a lucky person. However, it does get frustrating that so much of my life revolves around money. I'm sure other people feel the same way. We don't want our lives to be about money, but it is.

It's a fact that we need it. We need to pay our rent or mortgage, we need to make car payments, we need to put gas in our cars, we need to buy food, we need to pay bills, we need money for bills and so much more. And if you don't have the money for these things then you suffer. You either have no home, can't pay your bills, go hungry and so on. Sometimes you have creditors banging down your door night and day. The list goes on. Money, money, money.

Whether we like it or not, we are forced to strive to make more money. We are pushed to the point of money being the guiding force behind what we do on a daily basis. I understand the need for money of course. And I understand that anything worth having is worth working for, so work and earn your money. But I still hate when every month I struggle to just to survive and have to really stretch my dollar to do anything extra for my kids or myself.

It just seems like a shame that so many of us have to work so hard just so we can get by. And sometimes we don't get by. We end up filing for bankruptcy, losing homes or cars, go on welfare, or live of Top Ramen. I'm lucky, I do get my bills paid and we manage to have some sort of life, as well as doing some extra things for the kids. But some months that doesn't work. And I think about my student loans coming due in January and wonder how we can afford an extra $300 bill. I don't know.

I know so many of us are in the same boat. And the cost to live just keeps getting higher and higher while we don't make any more money. Yet, you have people like our governor, Schwarzenegger, who made 20+ million dollars per film! How is possible? There is no balance. I believe there is enough money in this world for us all, it's just too bad we can't earn some of it. It's too bad that we have to live each day according to the dollar.

I don't suppose there is an easy answer to this. But the truth is, good people work hard every day and get so little in return. Believe me, there is no lack of gratefulness, but still. I suppose I sound ungrateful and shallow to some degree, but only in the sense that I feel we all deserve more, that we all deserve to feel secure and live without the knowledge that the reason we are losing cars and homes and have no freedom to break away from jobs we can't stand is because of money.

It can't buy you love, that much is soooo true. But it can buy you financial peace of mind, clear credit, a safe car, a good education and maybe lower your blood pressure.

Living in a material world,
Sissy

Crazy, I say , Crazy

Now that I am employed with the government I am quite happy to say that I get every dang holiday off, and don't work weekends. So I am extremely glad to have a three day weekend. All I could think about was having three days so I could clean my house and still have time to do other things. What a great concept. The thing I was looking forward to most was going to see the new Indiana Jones movie. Stupid me went ahead and mentioned out loud that I was going to take the kids and go this weekend since I have three magnificent days!! What???? Ox says. You can't go see that, I have to work this weekend. If I can't go, you can't go. Am I married to a five year old? I'm beginning to have my suspicions. He works every dang day I have off and I can't go to the movies. I know I'm whining, but I don't care. I want to see that movie. But now I have to wait til Tuesday, rush home from work and change so we can go see it. He's stubborn and crazy and a pain in my butt.
Here's to marriage...
Sissy

My Sister Has Lost Her Mind

That's right, my sister is looney tunes. I don't even know where to start. The truth is, it should have happened before. Let me give you a brief background, (I'll try to refrain from condemnation of certain people in our family).

First, Mel is my little sister, step sister actually. But we have been sisters since very early childhood. I can't stress enough how she is as much my sister as my blood sister is.

Ok, while were young we found out that her grandfather and uncle were molesting her and my other step sister quite frequently. Long story short: it brought a lot of pain and sorrow and the effects of it are still felt by all of us today. I'm only mentioning it because I think that it's important to know when trying to understand Mel because I think it's the driving force behind her whole life.

Mel always seemed to live in denial when dealing with the abuse. She always was nonchalant and often didn't understand why I had such a severe reaction to it. She has no animosity to her mother (who knew of the abuse for years) and no animosity to her father, even asking him to not press charges against the uncle. She didn't understand my hatred, I didn't understand her love of people I considered monsters. However, this difference never stopped us from loving and supporting each other.

At 14, Mel was introduced a man who was approaching mid 30's. This man briefly dated her mother. Her mother being the sick, disturbed person she is, encouraged the two of them to get together when she realized she didn't like the guy. Again, we were all appalled. Again, her father pressed no charges. Again, I was pissed off. Again, I blamed her mother.

Long story short, Mel married this guy when she was 18. They proceeded to have two kids. This weekend was to be there 12th anniversary. At this point, I'd become accustomed to them being together, though still kind of disgusted. Believe me, I expected a meltdown from her a long time ago. I thought she would wake up one day and realize that she missed her whole life. But it didn't happen.

Until now.

The last year Mel has been having issues regarding her abuse and has gotten to the point where she is now angry with her parents, and feels that I am one of only a few people who really had it together and wanted what was best for her all along. She's been trying to deal with a very ugly past. I'm helping as much as I can being a country apart. These problems did not come as a surprise, they just came later than I expected them to.

It was some time the last several months that she started questioning her marriage. I knew there was going to be problems with her realizing that she never had a chance to be young and have fun. I could see she was beginning to resent her husband too because of feeling that he took advantage of her when she was too young. Which he did!!

Anyway, no up to date. She called me two days ago and told me that she has left her husband. She wants a divorce, she doesn't want the kids and she has been cheating for over a year. She (and I quote) is a slut! Her words. She admitted to going out almost every weekend and sleeping with whoever she meets up with.

I was not surprised to hear of her leaving, but the rest has me shocked and concerned. I am so worried about my niece and nephew and how they must be feeling with the divorce, and their mom not wanting to take them. I'm concerned with my sister's emotional well being, I think she's handling the past totally the wrong way. And I'm worried about her physically, as she admitted to not using protection.

She did say she is seeing a therapist, but I'm not sure what the focus is on. I know why this is happening, I just am having a hard time with how it is happening. Like I said, nothing is happening that I didn't predict, it just took longer to happen. But I never expected her to change so much.

I'm just not sure what the appropriate things for me to say to her are. Is it more important for me to show her love and support, or to offer some opinions and guidance? Should I keep my mouth shut about some things? I did tell her to stop being a fool and use protection. That's non negotiable, big mouth opened. If I tell her I think her behavior is appalling it might do more harm than good. I don't know. I'd love any helpful advice.

Sissy

Dave Matthews

Ok, this kind of an odd topic. However, it's one I am quite fond of. I really love the music of Dave Matthews Band. And he's cute and charming as well. How can you not love that lazy drawl to his voice, people?? Honestly...oh, wait, I digress.

Cuteness aside, the music of this band really hits home for me. One of the things I like best about what I consider quality music is music that doesn't sound like anyone else(and there's no brainer music too, different kind of joy). I love it when you can hear only a few notes and know who it is because they are unique.

And I love when the words of the music mean something to me. I'm not saying I'm looking for something profound and intense every time I turn on the player, but when the lyrics move me, make me feel, then I know it's something special. It's the kind of feeling you get when you hear and you think to yourself, "Hey, they wrote that for me," because it fits so damn well.

Well, Dave Matthews does that for me. Not every single song mind you, but many of them. I love that bluesy, lazy, dramatic, kinda African beat. At best, the music makes me want to dance or make love. At worst, I cry. Whatever the case may be, more often than not, it moves me.

I often will listen to the lyrics (which can be a chore believe me) and I know that those thoughts come from something, something that goes beyond just fitting music to words, they are a part of something bigger. Now, I know what it may have meant to whoever wrote it may not be what it means to me, but I get it anyway. I feel the passion and intensity anyway. The autonomy of art makes it mine anyway. Sorry, Dave, you gave it away.

Naturally, I have some favorites: Crush, Don't Drink the Water, Smooth Rider, Halloween, Grey Street, Crash, Stay (Wasting Time) are just a few of my personal faves. You should give them a try. I have to caution, however, that in my experience with this band is that you either love or hate them. So don't be worried if you listen and don't like it, it is what it is.

As a side note, Dave Matthews has also dabbed in acting. He was in the remake of Where the Red Fern Grows, Because of Winn-Dixie and perhaps others, but I'm not sure. I don't suppose he'll win an Oscar any time soon, but he has a charm that sooths.

So, I urge you all to let me know what you think of Dave Matthews Band. Also, if you live in the California area I also ask for someone to go to a concert with me. No one I know likes him!! It's a travesty. Now, I can't really afford tickets (holy crap, they're expensive and sell out fast), but I'm willing to start saving if I don't have to go it alone. :-)

Don't Know Why I Like to Carry On....

Sissy

People's Intimate Lives

As you all know I recently started a new job. I've only been at it a few days so have really actually done a little more than general office work. I'm a superior court clerk in the family law division. It's something else let me tell you. There's about a bajillion things I'm gonna have to learn at some point. It's a serious job. Serious and important. Much more than any job I've ever had. Damn, I'm gonna have to be serious and all adult-like. WTF?

In family law we handle all of the filing, signing, judgments, declarations, petitions and orders regarding cases like divorces, domestic violence, adoptions, parental rights and forfeiture of rights. Generally speaking, it's a sad business. Aside from adoptions people don't come to my department when it's a good thing.

Each day me and my co-workers become privy to many people's private lives. We hear and read about their most intimate, sensitive, painful and heartbreaking details. We learn things that maybe even the people closest to them don't know. And all this time we are not allowed to show any form of personal involvement or opinion, nor can we offer any advice of any sort. I hope this is for obvious reasons I don't need to list.

The problem is that I am more interested in criminal law. Truth is, there's just too much pain in family law. A different kind of pain. I know now that as soon as I can I'll be leaving family law department and transferring. I'm sure that will not be any time soon, but as soon as I can.

But for all the sadness, there's joy too. Adoptions are a happy time. Balloons and flowers and celebrations. Sometimes even the divorces are a happy thing. Rarely are restraining orders, domestic violence, child abuse or elder abuse happy. These are miserable and I hate it.

My desire is to be part of the system that works to prevent the ugliness. All that said, however, I think I'm going to be happier at this job than I was at the bank, in spite of. I miss the girls. That's about it. And my merchants. But it feels good to use the education I'm paying thousands of dollars for.

There are just times when I'm getting more information than I feel the right to have. But I'll work on finding a balance.

Sissy

New Blog

Ok, just so you all know, I'm considering starting a new blog. Not because I want to, but I'm hoping if I do, it'll fix my problem of not being able to download photos any more or change my layout. When I actually get around to it, I'll let you all know.
Sissy

Sometimes Sadness Feels Good

Ok, generally speaking being sad is not a good thing. We feel sad and it's miserable. We think of sadness as a negative, something to overcome. And, for the most part,that's the case. It's tough to think of any times where it made us feel good to feel sad. It actually sounds a bit impossible. However, it's not.

I discovered that it's quite possible to be both sad and glad about it at the same time. Today was my last day at the bank. I start my new job at the courthouse tomorrow. I'm excited and nervous, definitely hating being the new kid on the block.

I was not looking forward to this day. I really like my bank job. Some things I didn't like, that's normal stuff. However, for the most part, I love the job. Mostly I love because of who I work with, as opposed to the actual job itself. The relationship I have with the girls is amazing. Today I realized how much it meant to me to know them.

They were very disheartened today, as was I. I was given beautiful notes and gestures of friendship. The things the girls expressed to me were so touching and loving. I am so proud to call them friends. Their words of encouragement for my future, joy at knowing me, and sadness at my leaving was intense.

Hence, the ability to feel glad about being sad. I was, and am, so sad about no longer spending time with each day, laughing and joking with our customers made me cry. Yet the joy that they feel as close to me as I do to them made that sadness sweet. I was glad they were upset and didn't want to me to go. It let me know that the friendships I've built there are real.

And, of course, I'll miss my customers, the wonderful local business people who I have been lucky to know. I'll miss Nick from Kragen Auto Parts, Mike from Sentry Market, Caroline from Curry's, Judy from Blue Lakes, Jag from New Marina, Jeff from Grocery Outlet, and many more. But I won't miss Michaela from the county, as I now am lucky enough to be able to call her a co worker at the courthouse.

So, it was a sad, but good day. Tomorrow's my new beginning, wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes.

Sissy

Tragedy

Ok, things have been bad here. I haven't written because a dear family I know has been struck by tragedy and things have been pretty depressing for them. There is a nice Spanish guy who owns a very awesome Mexican restaurant in town. He's literally from Spain. Kisses me on both cheeks every time we see each other. Kisses everyone that way. Very cool, nice person. Him and his wife do their business banking with us. Both are very kind, fun people who smile and laugh so much when we visit. She's a bit younger than him, but they clearly adore each other, it's easy to see it. However, she became a drinker and because of it became very depressed. It breaks my heart to have to say that last Friday she took her own life. It was shocking, devastating and very surprising to everyone, except maybe her husband. I'm not totally sure. All I know is that it has thrown not only him and his family into a tailspin but has also deeply affected those of us who call them friends. I have been horribly saddened and shocked and had a hard time believing it. I still am. The evidence of how loved she was, and he is, was at the memorial where it seemed half of the town showed up to give their support to Dino and to say goodbye to Lyn. It was very emotional and touching. Not everyone is aware how Lyn passed, but everyone would no doubt be as surprised as I have been. Anyway, things have been nothing short of hectic, especially with my job change coming up this week. I've been trying to help Dino as much as possible, as well as take care of all the issues I have leaving the bank (believe me, there's a lot of things to do when you leave a bank, security issues as well as system issues). That's why I've been absent. In all honesty, I'm still not really feeling like myself. I'm going to try and get back into the swing of things, be as normal as possible for me. But right now it's hard. I'm sure everyone can understand. I appreciate that. I'll try to get back in touch very soon. ASAP.
Sissy

Crazy Days

Ok, I haven't written in a few days. Things have been totally crazy. It all started Friday and only ended today, sort of. I don't know, the night isn't over yet. Anyway, my oldest turned 16 on Friday so after work I had to make stops to get cake, ice cream, balloons and all of that and then get home to a house full of giggling kids, as well as having at least one spend the night. The next morning I was up early, getting the daughter and some of her friends so we could drive two hours to a miniature golf course, arcade so that she could celebrate her birthday doing something fun. We got home late, took kids home then met the husband so we could catch a late showing of Iron Man (I'll post comments later). Sunday was spent cleaning until it was time to leave and take our little on to her very first concert in the bay area. Didn't get home til one in the morning. Then up at 6 for work. I'm beat!! I worked harder this weekend then I did all week. I plan writing something with a bit more entertainment value, but that will have to wait until I get some much needed sleep. I'm done....
Sissy

Giving Notice

As you know, I've recently gotten a job that I have really wanted for some time. I'm extremely excited and nervous and anxious and all of that good stuff. I really believe I'm heading in the right direction.

However, there is one thing that has been negative and emotional in this whole process. That's the reaction I have gotten at work regarding my inevitable departure. I am actually quite surprised and touched by all of it.

First, I want to say that when I told my manager about my leaving, she cried. That's right! Tears. How many times at a job is your boss so sad to see you leave that they cry? I was surprised and very touched. As for the girls, they are sad too. All have said how sorry they are for it, but given me many words of encouragement. They know how badly I want this. As a note, Katee will be taking over my new position. You may remember her from a recent post. She's awesome and will do great.

I don't know how many of you know what I do. I handle all of the business accounts at my bank. I mostly only deal with businesses and business owners who have accounts with us. I've had this position for almost two years. I noticed very quickly that one of the most important things to my merchants is that they get in, get there business done right and quickly. The faster they are out the happier they are. Because of this, I have worked my tail off to get faster and smoother, all the while staying accurate of course. I have succeeded very well and am rated the fastest in my position for our entire northern cal. district. Not to toot my own horn, but I have some very satisfied merchants. Katee will have to really step up to fill my spot. They now have really high expectations.

So, I have started telling my merchants that I am leaving and will be training Katee to take over. The response has been absolutely incredible. Basically, I have been forbid by all to leave! :-) They are very disappointed and don't want me to go. I am so proud that they feel so comfortable and have such confidence in me. I keep promising to work my butt off the next two weeks to get Katee up to par.

I never realized how important my job performance was to their lives and business. Their reaction has given me much pride and honor. I am genuinely surprised. I wish I had realized before how much it meant to them that I did my job so well.

The funny part is that a customer got me my new job. She works at the courthouse. She is married to one of my merchants who, I was told, is a major a-hole and never satisfied. Well, I was scared of him. However, right after taking over the job I won him over and he has been nothing but nice and kind and polite. He consistently praises me and vows I can't leave. It's ironic that I'm leaving because of his wife. He laughed, wished me well. I joked today when the both of them came in that I am leaving you for your wife!!

I know this is all stuff that probably bores you to tears, but I feel good writing about it. It's the best experience I've ever had working a job, and the hardest job to leave.

But my futures is calling me....Sissy....Sissy....I'm here, come and get me!!

Sissy