Topic of the Day

Cute Boys

Ok, life is cruel. It's true. I can't figure it out, and suppose I don't really want to as it wouldn't be nearly as exciting. However, that said, I have to address one major cruelty. Granted, I am a married woman, who is trying to fall in love with her husband more, but I am still human.

I'm gonna go back, way back...to my youth. Now, I was born in the seventies but didn't really live until the late eighties and early nineties. My teen years were spent all over the country, but that's irrelevent, I get off track.

One thing I remember most about being a teenage girl is having crushes on the boys. During many of my various stages I had crushes on River Phoenix, Kirk Cameron (shhh....my secret shame), and even Corey Haim (ok, now I have to change my name and move to Canada!!). And, of course, I was deeply and truly in love with each and every one.

In spite of my true love emotions I was never to profess my love to these beautiful men. Why? Was it because I didn't know them? No. Was it because they lived thousands of miles away? No. Was it because they wouldn't give me the time of day? No. No. And no. The reason I never had the chance with any of my loves is because I was a child for crying out loud!! I was cursed being born too late for them. It was horrifying. They were twenty and I was thirteen. Why me?? I couldn't wait for the day I would be old enough to spend my life with one of them.

Well, guess what? That day came and went. And guess what else? I still didn't marry Corey Haim or John Cusack (who I still love by the way:-). I became old enough for them and yet nothing happened. Even worse, I never ever realized I was old enough for them. Had I, I would have realized that I didn't know them, they lived thousands of miles away and they wouldn't have given me the time of day anyway.

Curses on you, father time!!!

So, time has gone past and though I still appreciate attractiveness, I am no longer pining for those boys. I actually like men now. Anywho.... I'm much older now and smarter and realistic. I realize that those dreams were just dreams and that's good because the real thing rarely matches up the dream.

Ok, so I'm caught up to the present and here's what kills me. I have young daughters and have noticed that some of the young celebrity guys my teenagers age are really adorable. Drake Bell is a doll. Harry Potter has gotten downright cute. Hayden Christenson is very fine. Now, my daughter is devastated she's too young , and I realize that I'm devastated because I am no longer too young. Suddenly, I'm too old. I went from too young to too old and completely passed the 'just right' phase. Where was it? How long did it last? And why the hell did I miss it?

It's a cruel joke. A sad, sorry reality. Now, the new 'babes' ( as we used to say) are the same age as my child. It's horrifying. So, I have to thank goodness for the likes of Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and the new James Bond (what's his name, Daniel something I think?), because, thanks to them, us not young women have someone to fantasize about without feeling as if we belong in pervert jail.

But still, Drake Bell is very cute!

Young Enough,
Sissy

Thanks Chikku

I loved your book shelf and I stole it! Thanks.

Topic of the Day

Rock of Love with Bret Michaels

Okay, this show kills me!! I swear! I watch it and I want to die. Why I continue to watch it I don't know, other than I must be a glutton. I can't take it.

In case you haven't watched it before it's a VH1 reality TV program that showcases a bevy of beautiful young women vying for the attention of rock n roll heartthrob, lead singer of Poison, Bret Michaels. I, too, had a phase of devotion to this man when I was much younger. And, frankly, the boy is definitely still hot. That's not the disturbing part. Nor is it disturbing that women still want him, though some are so young you have to question their motives.

The disturbing part is the behavior. Not only of the girls, but of him. They're young, hot with a ton of potential. He's older, hot and still has a ton of potential himself. Sounds perfect, right? Wrong. It really just kind of disgusts you.

The disgusting part isn't the fact that Bret Michaels is using a reality TV show to jump start his love life. I'm sure finding an honest, faithful woman has been a challenge for him and I appreciate broadening one's horizons. And it isn't so disgusting that these girls are using television to meet, possibly date, and maybe fall in love with someone. Hey, it's a modern age.

The part that really irks me is this: Bret Michaels stresses in his commentaries and interviews that he truly is looking for someone to be with, someone that will be healthy and loyal and loving to him, plus his two daughters. He actually seems very believable here. And who can blame him for being turned on? Hell, they're hot girls, I'm turned on (and I'm straight). But, in spite, of his desire to find the right person and his continued ramblings about finding someone special and someone caring and someone passionate for his life and so on.... he continues to praise the skanks. Ok, that's kinda brutal on my part. But it's true anyway.

The girls who are calmer, have a little more sense than to stick their tongue in a man's mouth two seconds after another woman, the girls who don't encourage fondling after a thirty second introduction are the girls he gets rid of. Now tell me: how can he be looking for a moral, good woman and throw every one of them away? He preaches about how so and so has to learn to loosen up and open up or she's getting the boot, meanwhile, she's only been there one day!!

Here's how it is: "Hey, I'm Bret, hot rock star." "Hey, Bret, I'm Diamond, hot babe. Let's make out." Then he'll say how loving and passionate and open she is. No, she's not!! She's slutty. A good woman, a good person, knows that a relationship isn't based on big boobs, the first to give up a tongue kiss or how quickly you can get their shirt off. Lust is based on those things. And lust is fine, mind you. But be honest about it. Just say it like it is: "I'm here to make out with as many hot chicks as possible and don't give a shit if I find the right one or not cuz there are more coming, baby!!"

Worse yet, those girls are someone's children. Their mothers and fathers have to see their daughters behaving like street walkers on national television. "I felt I loved Bret clear back to 1990 and I just needed this show to prove it. Come here and let me suck on your tongue." How embarassing. I would be mortified to see my daughter on that show.

Which is a reason to love it, I guess. But still, call a spade a spade. Don't try to fake us out with words of true love. Keep it real with words of hot sex, cuz that's all the dang show is anyway. He will not find true love with barely twenty year old, silicone laden, hardly old enough to have morals girls. He wants love, they need to bring some women on that show. Ok, I'm not dissing on the fake boobs any more, I happen to want a pair myself.

Anyway, Bret is a fine looking guy with an amazing voice who would have no trouble attracting a good woman, if that's what he really wanted. But he wants a beck and call girl Barbie. Physical attraction is part of it, not everything. And when someone has a personality that clicks with you, has similar beliefs and dreams as you do then beauty changes. The right person becomes more beautiful when they are right for you. Just as the wrong person becomes ugly when their personalities are ugly.

Ok, I'm done,
Sissy

You don't know me....

... but you can!!

Ok, here's some self tidbits so we can get to know each other a bit. Or maybe just so I can get to know myself. Either way, I'm full of lots of junk, so have your fill!!

My favorite entertainers: Angelina Jolie, Kevin Spacey, Julia Roberts, Nicolas Cage, John Travolta, Jodie Foster, Gabriel Byrne, Mark Wahlberg, Peta Wilson, Benicio Del Toro, Yul Brynner, Marilyn Monroe, Jeremy Irons, John Malcovich, Christian Bale,

My favorite musicians: Dave Matthews Band, Cheap Trick, Def Leppard, John Cafferty, Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, AC/DC, Tom Jones, The Corrs

My favorite foods: Lasagne, Hamburgers, Strawberries, Cherries, Grapes (frozen), Bananas (chocolate covered), Cheese, Yogurt, Broccoli, Pizza, Bagels, French Vanilla Cappucino, Altoids Dark Chocolate covered cinnamons, Sugar free gum

My favorite TV shows: Law & Orders, CSI, CSI: Miami, Ghost Whisperer, The Dead Zone, Forensic Files, Dancing with the Stars,

My favorite songs: The Flame by Cheap Trick, Colorful by Verve Pipe, Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers, Something in Red by Lorrie Morgan, Angel Eyes by Jeff Healey, Good Morning Little School Girl by Jonny Lang, Primal Scream by Motley Crue, Excitable by Def Leppard, Crush by Dave Matthews Band, November Rain by Guns N Roses, Got to Give it Up by Marvin Gaye, Angel by Sarah Machlacland (huh?? spell me), Uninvited by Alanis Morrisette, Thunderstruck by AC/DC, I Will Remember You by Amy Grant, Short Skirt Long Jacket by Cake, I Drove All Night by Cyndi Lauper, Suspicious Minds by Elvis, Superfreak by Rick James, Runaway Train by Soul Asylum, Linger by the Cranberries, Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison, Breathless by The Corrs

Things I Want to do: Visit Ireland, Own my own movie theater, Go to one movie premiere, Work in criminal psychology, Take my kids to Disneyland, Own a Dodge Coronet, Learn to ballroom dance, Know what it's like to pee standing up, Make love with someone younger than me (i know, i'm bad), Visit the Smithsonian and Graceland and Mount Rushmore and Niagara Falls- all in the same trip, Drive all of Route 66 in a classic car, Spend a week on a deserted island with the man of my dreams and a giant supply of sunblock
My favorite dream guys (in no particular order): Hayden Christenson(omg- is he statutory?), Eric Chavez, Brad Pitt, Gerard Butler, Anthony Michael Hall, George Eads, Howie Long, Julian McMahon, Dave Matthews, Duane Johnson (aka: the rock), Sean Connery, George Clooney,

Qualities I love: Honesty, Faithfulness, Ambition, Desire, Passion, Creativeness, Dreaminess, Humor, Intelligence, Variety, Chameleon-ness, Adventurous, Uniqueness, Diversity, Eagerness, Selflessness


I Love:My girls, Cats, Fairies, Purple, Green, Cottages in the country, Cabins in the hills, Fireplaces, Dominoes, Crossword Puzzles, Clyde Drexler, Reading, Drawing cartoons, Shopping, Staying up late, DVR, College, Photography, Dancing, Long hair, Self defense, The feel of silk on my skin, The smell of vanilla and coconut, Lilacs, Cornflowers, Jasmine, Rain in the Summer, Being in the middle of nowhere, Dancing with the Stars, Cartoons, Tinker Bell, Swimming, Basketball, Trivia, My face being held during a long kiss, my tattoo (please sir, may i have another?), Candles, Firefighters

I Hate: Liars, Cheaters, Racism, Judgmental people, How the media effects girls, People who get joy from hurting others, Onions, Beets, Grey hair on my head, Sharp rocks on my bare feet, Sharks, The smell of rotten milk, Doing dishes, Math, The sound of my alarm clock, Ice Cream, Not being satisfied, Being cold without a jacket, Terrorists

There I am, Take me or Leave me,
Sissy

Topic of the Day

Road Issues

I'm not really a person to who is prone to road rage aggression. Now, I do get peaved at ridiculous, unsafe and inconsiderate drivers, but I keep my cool pretty well. However, there are a few key issues on the road that really chap my hide.
When I get to the breaking point then I morph into a curse ridden, demonic being intent on ridding the world of crappy drivers. I swear, I'm not tooting my own horn. I am not the greatest driver ever, though most of my rudeness comes unintentionally. But, I suppose, most people don't intend to be dickheads on the road, they just are. Pardon my French.
First, let me refresh a driving law regarding speed limits, at least here in Cal. The law is that the right hand lane is for slower drivers (ex: large trucks, vehicles towing things, and grandmas), while the left lane is for those who do not go below the speed limit, but keep with it. The key here being that the left lane is meant to coincide with the speed limit.
Now, here in Cal. people follow their own rule. And that rule is this: the right lane is for idiots who dare drive the speed limit and the left lane is for exceeding, getting away from the morons who find the need to obey the law. Right lane= 65, left lane = 75. That's how it's done here. Because of this people like me who are comfortable and law abiding and follow the speed limits for the most part are often honked at and considered nuscances because we dare to get in that left lane. The nerve of people like me, driving 65, to want to use that left lane to pass someone driving 50. When I get into that left lane to pass a ton of cars pile up behind, pissed of that I'm going so slow!! I'm going the speed limit, dammit!
The situation is the one that bothers me the most. Yes, I hate being cutoff and whatnot, but for some reason this behavior really pushes my patience button. Frankly, my urge is to reduce my speed to, say 40 or so and then stay there. Now, I don't do this because I want to be safe and not cause any accidents. So, I settle for some choice vocabulary and visions of seeing them pulled over by a CHP 3 miles up the road. Ok, I've successfully vented. I can move on now...just not in the left hand lane.
Drive Carefully,
Sissy

Topic of the Day

The ABC's of Me!!

Angelina Jolie is my favorite actress
Body art is cool
Candles relax me
Dodge Coronet is my favorite car
Everyone does not love Raymond
Field of Dreams is my fave movie
Games of the heart suck
Hayden Christenson is hot!!
Ireland is awesome
Justice is a passion
Kitties are my favorite
Love to learn
Music tells me stories
Neil Peart kicks butt
Oregon is my home state
Purple is my fave color
Quit smoking!
Relaxing is my joy
Stephen King is great
Tapioca is disgusting
Underwear are annoying
Vanilla is my fave flave
Water, my best friend
Xtra cheese on my pizza
Yearning for a better job
Zeroing in on my life

Slim and Piglet

Why do they fight all the time?? There is nine years between my daughters. My oldest is now almost 16 while my little one is going to be 7 very soon. There is a huge gap between them because I was too young when my oldest was born. However, when I met my husband and we decided to get married and ended up pregnant I thought the age difference would be a benefit. I am fourteen years older than my sister and I always adored and loved being with her. It is not the same for mine. These girls are like wild animals in the jungle, starving, and the only thing to eat is the other one. They just cannot get along for any amount of time. They both believe they are in control of the other and need to be each other's parent, personal police officer and tattle tale. They live to get each other in trouble. I would think my older would be above all of the bickering, but she's not. She's actually an equal instigator. She thinks she's the boss and has to control the little one. She is jealous because she has more chores, and we expect more out of her. She doesn't think it's fair that the little one doesn't have the same rules. She thinks they should be equals. Hello??? And the little on thinks that she can do what she wants when she wants and control the older because she's the baby and everyone loves her!! She believes the world revolve around her. And, God forbid, the older step out of line about anything then she is in trouble because Piglet will run to her daddy, eager to tell on Slim. They're horrible. They can't hardly stand to be in the same room as each other. They bicker and snap at each other over everything. They actually look forward to finding reasons to be snotty to each other or get the other one in trouble. They go out of there way to do it. I just don't understand it. I can't figure out why Slim, who is almost an adult, insists on acting like a child. And I can't figure out why Piglet hasn't figured out that her attitude only gets her in trouble. I honestly believe she thinks it's worth it. No matter how I look at it, they drive me crazy. They are both so selfish and inconsiderate. I don't think either one cares how much it hurts me to have the two people I love most hurting each other every single day. It's has to just be about them all the time. Going crazy, Sissy

What? A day!!

I'm not doing a topic of the day today because I am just exhausted. So I'm making it short. We got up early and drove to the city to do some camera shopping. We spent all day and too much money but still didn't get a camera!! Oh well. Piglet got her first loose tooth today, so she is extremely proud and excited. She keeps wondering why it's taking so long!! On the way home I got hit with a spur of the moment request from Slim if we could stop in another town on the way home so she can meet her two half sisters that she only recently became in contact with. That was my doing ( a long emotional story for later). But they've been allowed to be in contact. So we stopped. I was nervous as a mouse in a cat store. But it worked out. I wasn't excited about sitting with the mother's and discussing our mutual past. However, Slim was so happy when we left. She said she felt like a part of her found where it finally fits. That was worth the whole thing. I'm glad I did it. I'm hoping it's going to be good thing for her. I know how much I love my sister (who is also only half). I love that kid.
Thanks for listening,
Sissy

Topic of the Day

Marilyn Monroe

While I was growing up, from about 8 years old, I developed a love for Marilyn Monroe. I'm not sure what prompted it. At that time I wasn't really aware of her icon status. I didn't even know what that was. I just knew that she was beautiful and I really liked her so much. Whenever I could, I would get anything that had to do with her. I read every magazine I could get my hands on in the hopes of finding mention of her or, better yet, a picture. The tabloids were a big source for me. Naturally, I didn't exactly have much money so my collection wasn't near as vast as I hoped for. I did buy things occasionally at the local flea market or the mall if I had allowance. And my family was great, buying me things for my birthday and Christmas. I even found a magazine that had pen pals who loved her too. I started writing, at 11, to a guy who loved her too. I was young and my letters were ridiculous and immature but, even so, he answered every letter and was nice enough to send me some post cards.

As I got older my infatuation did die off a bit. I wasn't quite as obsessed, though still loved her. And I do to this day. My collection is pretty much gone or packed away but I still have a love of her that takes me back to being a young girl.

I realized eventually that she really was an American icon and legend. I saw just how many people loved and love her. I thought my secret was out. LOL. I was almost disappointed, even though I understood.

I can see why she is so loved by so many. Aside from beautiful she represents a lot of positive things for girls. She came from a rough life, made some bad mistakes but kept going. She, like many of women, was a size 14. She was healthy too.

She's larger than life, contagious even. Though it seems as if her life did catch up with her in the end, I still believe she was a survivor, whose mistakes reminded us that she was one of us. And the truth is, she was the first beautiful starlet that made me proud to be female.

Until next time,
Sissy

Topic of the Day

Some of the Best Movies Ever (in my humble opinion)
Field of Dreams- Though I am listing my favorites in no particular order, I put this one first for a reason. Though the rest are favorites, this one is THE favorite. It goes without saying that someone who loves this movie either loves baseball or is a total mush master. I am the latter. However, tears aside (note: Moonlight Graham crossing that line to save the little girl), this movie is priceless to me because no matter how many times I watch it I can't find any flaws in it. It is perfectly casted, acted, written and filmed. I can't find a single thing to change. It's authentic and believable and no matter how many times I see it, it makes my heart smile.
The Whole 9 Yards- This movie has double value for me. It was mine and my husband's first date, so it strikes a senitmental chord that has nothing to do with the actual film. Eight years later we watch that movie on every anniversary of that first date. That said, this movie is absolutely hilarious. During this movie Matthew Perry takes me to days where physical comedy was at it's greatest, think: the Three Stooges, Steve Martin and John Ritter. I laugh my ass off every time he hits that door. It is ridiculous to brilliancy, witty and totally charming. I think Roseanna Arquette found salvation after Desperately Seeking Susan, whom no one found, thank God.

Practical Magic- This my absolute favorite number chick flick(though Legally Blonde is close). The filming is erotic, earthy, sensual and mysterious. The characters are loveable and charming, even though they lack believability. However, being a movie about witches entitles it to a great deal of unbelievability. I never would have guessed that Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman would have been able to pull off sisters, but they did. It's really just pure entertainment. After watching it, I almost wanted to join a coven. Almost.
Meet Joe Black- I always did like Brad Pitt. However, when I saw this movie I was definitely on board the Brad Pitt bandwagon. He was beautiful in it, visually and artistically. The whole movie had my heart in my throat. Anthony Hopkins was charming. When death and Claire make love it is the most sensual thing I've ever seen, and they only show their faces. I'm sure there are die hard fans of Death Takes a Holiday that maybe hate this movie, but I, myself find it an absolutely wonderful guilty pleasure.

The Usual Suspects- Ok, there's one big reason I love this movie. I am a movie junkie, fanatic even. Not very often am I blindsided, but this movie did it. I won't say much because if you haven't seen it, see it. The end will make your jaw drop. Well, written, better acted. Kevin Spacey is the bomb!!! And I really like Gabriel Byrne too. But I won't say any more for fear of ruining it.

Ghost- Ok, this is my gratuitous sappy love story movie. How can you not love it? Love killed before it really had a chance. Yet death will not hold it back!! And the chemistry between Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore is classic. Add Whoopi Goldberg for the comic element and you have a winner. Grab a tissue.

The Last Samurai- To be honest, I didn't want to see this movie. I really wasn't buying into the Tom Cruise hype nor did I want to see him in Samurai garb. But as it happens, I was desperate for a movie that weekend and had seen all the rest, so I found myself sitting down to a movie I was sure was going to bore me to death. I was wrong. It is a lovely, heart breaking, gut wrenching tale of self discovery, friendship, love and honor. Tom Cruise's character must find himself while living as a prisoner in a foreign culture. But he finds more. He finds love. He finds an otherworldly friendship and discovers that honor is the greatest asset to have. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time and cry like a baby every time I see it, out of sadness and joy.
Open Range- The weekend before I saw the Last Samurai I saw this movie. Again, I didn't have the highest hopes, though I have a fondness for Kevin Costner since my grandfather was his chauffer while making the Postman. Anyway, I found this movie so much more than a cinematic western shoot 'em up. The characters had charm and pride. The older tried passing their morals on by taking care of younger, needier ones. They find themselves in a die or fight spot and lose much along the way. But also gain more trust and love for each other, and defeat the bad guy of course. Naturally, the roughrider and the local spinster also find love with each other. The cinematography in this movie is amazing. Never once does the sound of rain or other ambient noises destroy the story. The characters are raw and definitive of what I think a cowboy was.

My Honorable Mentions:

The Man in the Iron Mask (Visually stunning and I love Jeremy Irons & John Malkovich)
Legally Blonde (A definite guilty pleasure, but she's so damn loveable)
The Mummy Movies (I just think they're fun)
Radio (Such a heart warmer and breaker)
Remember the Titans (you're hall of fame in my book!!)
Wuthering Heights (Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon)
12 Angry Men (classic and brilliant)
To Kill a Mockingbird (the writing is great- thanks Harper Lee- Gregory Peck is awesome)
Dragonfly (a lovely thriller/love story with a sappy ending)
Erin Brockovich (Julia Roberts kicked ass in this movie- as does the real Erin)
Coyote Ugly (just a fun, sexy movie)
Pretty Woman (a classic Cinderella story)
Sneakers (a little known movie with Robert Redford, Sidney Poitier & River Phoenix I love)
13 Going on 30 (a fun movie with Jennifer Garner, the only current able to pull off 13)
Con Air (yeah, I love kick ass movies, especially ones with Nicolas Cage in a wife beater)
Face Off (another Nicolas Cage kick ass movie, but a Travolta bonus)
The Ten Commandments (been watching it since birth basically and Charlton Heston rocks)
Seven(very intense and gut shattering, Kevin Spacey is the bomb)
The Long Kiss Goodnight (I know, but I love a woman kicking butt for a change)


I could go on and on and on, but I won't.
See you at the movies,
Sissy

Topic of the Day

The Best Dream Ever (thanks Chikku...)

Today I am choosing to follow through on a comment I posted about a fellow bloggers take on dreaming. During my comments to her post(which was really great) it brought to my mind a dream I once had that really changed me. It may be hard to put it into words, but I'll try.

First, the dream....

I was walking by myself down a deserted city street, lit only by the ominous glow of overhead street lights. It had rained and the wetness lit the roads, especially the tar filled cracks. I don't remember it being cold though, just wet.

I felt a certain dispair about life at the moment and hung my head as I walked to who knows where. As I continued to contemplate my life I began to feel a strange sensation near both of my shoulder blades. It wasn't a pain so much as a discomfort, like a peanut stuck in your teeth. I didn't like it, but it wasn't hurting either. But as I walked, it grew worse, more pronounced. It didn't take long before it was painful. It was hard to walk now.

I reached around behind me, sure to feel blades sticking deep into my flesh, but instead I felt only two extremely large humps that were getting larger by the second. I could actually feel them growing. In a matter of moments, the skin began to break under the humps, but there was no blood and now, no pain either.

I couldn't see what was happening behind my back, but knew it was big. When the process was finished I felt the difference, but it felt good. I turned my head to the side and saw the two large, white, feathered wings had sprung from inside of me. I was astounded and in disbelief, yet when I tried to move them, they sprang open with grace and beauty, far beyond the reach of my arms. I reached one hand to the opposite side to feel the feathers, to convince myself of their reality. When my damp fingers touched them they fluttered, as if stunned by the contact.

I felt there was no way that these glorious wings would carry me. But I knew I had to try. And to my utter amazement when I tried to move them, they responded with complete confidence. I soon found myself floating upward and into the dark night. My stomach rose into my throat and my heart began soaring itself.

The ability to use the wings was second nature and I flew effortlessly, on instinct alone. I was happily gliding along when two other winged people came on each side of me. I knew they were angels. They were leading me.

Where they took me was to a place of pure beauty and joy. There were angels everywhere, of all nationalities, all so happy and pure. Each one was a dressed in identically styled robe. They hung long and had wide sleeves and were made of deep rich silks of pinks, purples, blues, greens and yellows, each trimmed with a gold that I knew was not anything short of actual gold.

These angels embraced me into them, took my old, wet clothes off and covered me in one of their robes. I was one of them. And with this knowledge I felt like home. I was at peace and knew this was where I belonged.

Now, waking from this dream was so instense, semi erotic that I had trouble recovering... remembering that it wasn't real. I still felt the wings, felt myself flying and had peace in me. Before that day, I had never dreamed of flying, ever, nor have I since that night. But to this very day, that dream stays with me with extreme clarity and emotion.

All I can say is that it did change me. I can't honestly say how it did, I just know it did. I didn't wake up with a sudden rush of religious accpetance or believance in the afterlife. I don't really know what I gained from it. I just know that it was more than a dream, and I was more after I had it.

Topic of the Day

I haven't done a topic in a few days since I've been out of town. But I'm back so I'm gonna try to keep up.

Barbies
What little girl did not love Barbies? Ok, so some didn't. But most of us did. I can remember some of my first dolls. I had a Barbie size Wonder Woman that I loved so much, given to me by uncle. She was in love with my Luke Skywalker doll, of course. I also had a couple of very old dolls, the kind with the fake thick eyelashes. I loved her but a friend of mine bit her nose off. I was mad. Of course I wasn't mad because I was aware that someday that Barbie would be worth hundereds, I just missed my doll. One of my favorites was also my Jazzercise Barbie, bought for me when I was really sick. She wore blue leotards and rainbow leg warmers. As I got older my love of Barbies didn't cease, just changed. My new favorite was my Miko from Barbie and the Rockers, I also had Derek. The best part of Barbies now was that I also had a new step sister the same age who loved them as well. Barbies were our life. We had little money and therefore very few of the Barbie extras, like: furnitures and accessories. So we improvised. We would take everyday household items and turn them into Barbies much needed homes and accessories. Suitcases became bedrooms, bowls became bath tubs, rings became crowns and push pins were bent and became earrings. We made it work. And I had a mom that sewed so were loaded with clothes. We played one time until about four the next morning. It was a great time. Even as I became a teenager I never got rid of the Barbies, and neither did my sister. We wouldn't often play like we used to but we still took them out at times and would fix their hair and do a wardrobe makeover. Eventually, of course, we stopped all together. But I never did get rid of those dolls. I saved them. I hoped to pass on the love to my girls. I only prayed that they wouldn't burn in a fire the way my mom's did in a hope chest she was saving for me. They didn't burn. Slim was born and I was happy to have a girl. Sadly, though, she never liked Barbies. She probably only touched them three or four times, one of those times being to give away my favorite Miko to the neighbor girl. I was devastated. I took them away, she didn't like Barbies anyway. However, Piglet is another story. She loves Barbies and has mine as well as a ton of her own. I have bought her all the furniture and accessories I never had. I have made wonderful gowns for her and taught her all of 'tricks.' It's been such a good time that I often find myself sitting with her and playing as if I was six as well. I'll never lose my love of Barbies, I don't think any girl that grew up adoring them ever does. Barbie taught me how to care about my hygiene, nice clothes that match, the importance of great looking high heels and also that a girl can be anything that she wants to be: wife, mother, teacher, singer, dancer, astronaut or horse trainer. I owe Barbie a lot for helping me become a happy girl. Thanks Barbie, Sissy

Topic of the Day

For the Love of Cats

I love cats. Not in the crazy-old-lady-down-the-street-that-has-74 kinda way. But in the I love there warm fur and soothing motors. In the I-could-cuddle-next-one-all- night kinda way. I'm not really a super sappy cutesy whootsy person (though I cry every time I see Remember the Titans, but who doesn't?). However, those furry creatures just rub me the right way.

I love that they are so smart and independent and snuggly. At the risk of offending you dog lovers I have to say that cats are just so much smarter than dogs (my humble opinion). They are rulers of their domains, where as dogs piss on their domains. They have amazing 'take it or leave it' attitudes that fit right with me. There are times I want left alone and a cat can respect that, but a dog just shoves his nasty wet nose on me and jumps all over.

When I want to go away for a weekend I can put some food out and take off. I need not worry that my cat will starve or miss me too much. That little bugger will find food regardless. And a cat really doesn't miss anyone all that. They are happy when you're home to love them, they're still happy when you're not. They are the working woman's companion!

As I said, I never underestimate the power of the dog... but whatever power they have is given to them by their people. Whereas a cat's power is over their people. Plus, you pick a soft furry cat up and rub your face in it's silky fur and they tolerate it much better than a dog.

That's why I'm a cat person.

Feline at heart, Sissy

Happy Love Day

I'm not really much of a Valentine's Day person. I never have been. I suppose it's a good day, if not a little cutesy though. However, in my willingness to conform to society, I take it upon myself to do something nice for Ox on this day, even though it is rarely returned. That said, he surprised me today with flowers, candy and balloons at work. So, maybe there's something to this Valentine's Day thing after all. So I hope your day has gone great and you and your love have a wonderful night.

Love, Sissy

Is he for real???

Last night I apparently not only succeeded in pissing Ox off and so badly that he had to leave, but it was due to a reason that is quite common. Which I had no clue of. I had no idea that I have been continually pissing him off for some time now. Of course I may have known had he said something. Crazy concept, I know.

But the real zinger is what was making him so mad that he snapped. Are you ready for this? It's a good one. Drum roll....... I was reading! That's right, you heard me. I was reading a damn book. The nerve of me. How can I be so selfish and rude?

Here's his story about my ridiculous reading addiction. First, I have to say that I love reading. Really love it. As much as movies, if not more. I always have. However, I don't have much time do it since motherhood and work and so on. It has become a luxury and treat. But having been on disability full time for two weeks and part time now for two months I am finding myself with alot more time on my hands. So, I have been reading. And it's been absolutely relaxing and self indulgent and I'm loving it.

Back to his complaint. Though I do admit that once I start a book it is very hard for me to stop until it is done. I am known to read complete novels in a single day. So it can easily take over my life. But still, it's reading. It's not like I'm smoking pot or gambling. But, according to him, it is taking away from our marriage because I will read during commercials or during other times when he feels we should be 'bonding'. It's not like I'm laying in bed with him on top and I'm reading over his back or anything.

So he yelled at me for it and stormed out. Now, I am only allowed to read when he is not home or I am in the bathtub, or if there is a sporting event on he wants to see!!! It's absurd. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Am I being unreasonable???

In disbelief, Sissy

Piglet's first manicure

Today me and Piglet went shopping. She found a giant bag of My Little Ponies at a second hand store but wasn't allowed to get them. ($30, secondhand). Because she has an out of control My Little Pony addiction she was horrified that she wasn't allowed to get them. It's not that much money, mommy. Right. I promised her I would do something to make it up to her, but I had no idea what.

A while later we were cruising the strip mall (I don't mean exotic dancers, hello. I don't think they even have a mall for those- LOL). After spending my life's savings in Ross I noticed the little Asian nail salon was totally empty. I told her I found her surprise that might make up for loss of ponies.

She picked her color, opted for flower accents and sat still and quiet while the lady did her nails for her. She was just as patient in the drier as well. She is a girls girl and loves makeup and jewelry and clothes so when those nails came out she was beyond happy. She felt pretty and grown up. I couldn't have been more excited for her. It was a great moment.

For $8 I mended her broken heart and then some.

Sissy

Topic of the Day

Patriotism

I am proud to be an American. Extremely proud. I love my country and am grateful I was born here and not somewhere else. I am so appreciative of the rights I have as American. I hear about the lives of other humans who are not lucky enough to be American and what they sometimes go through and I am even more grateful. Do I love everything that or country does? Or the way we handle all of our issues? Do I think we make mistakes? You bet I do. But I still can't imagine not loving this country.

I'd be the first to admit that one of the things that frustrates me more than anything is the criminal justice system we have. It is lenient and often hypocritical. We haven't done a great job of deterring crime or stopping criminals. And it just seems like it isn't changing.

However, at least in this country we are given a lawyer and trial with a chance to defend ourselves. In many countries this is a luxury they do not have. Though I feel this right to abused at times, I wouldn't trade it.

I also dislike that we seem to forget some of the more serious issues we have here in our own country in exchange for focusing on the same issues in other countries. We have a great deal of homeless people, we have starving people, hungry children, poverty and famine. Granted, our poverty isn't as relevant as other countries, but they are our people. We have plenty of our own children who are starving and living in filth. These are our responsibilities. Why do we try to cure famine across the globe when we haven't cured it here? In many states these families don't even have the option of welfare.

Yet, I still stand firm that this is the greatest country to live in. I say it because here I am writing this and I have no fear for my life doing so. I may spark hate mail, and I love that too. I love that we can express who we are, what we love and believe without fear of our government arresting or even killing us.

We have a long way to go, but who doesn't?

Right now is the time to love this country. We have lost 4,000 people in the Middle East. Good people with families and loved ones and dreams for their futures. Those people have given their lives for us. You may not agree that they are over there and feel as if they died senselessly, that's your American right. But, regardless, they were still over there doing there duty, fighting for their country, dying as soldiers who love their country and that should never, ever be looked at as a horror. Tragic and sad, yes. But we still need to be proud of them. They are over there for all of us, not just for those who support the war. By saying their deaths are senseless we are giving their choice to serve no respect and no admiration. Support the war, or not, but always support our people.

I happen to be firm believer that if you don't like this country then get out. No one is forcing you to stay here. There's no animosity here. But if you're that miserable with us maybe you would be happier somewhere else.

Anyway, being an American is an honor and a privalege that we should all be proud of.

But that's just me.
Sissy

Topic of the Day

Nip/Tuck

These is an F/X show that my guess is something you either love or consider to be nothing short of pornography and hate. Well, then again, maybe you might love it because it is just basically porno. And as much as I see reasoning to hate this show, I love it. I realize that a show such as this on TV is really kinda crazy, even if it is on nighttime cable only. It can still be watched by anyone. I have yet to see a written warning stop anyone.

Before I come off as jumping on a socially moral bandwagon I have to make it clear: I really like this show. I really like Julian Campbell (since his Profiler days actually). I know it is trashy, sleazy, provacative to the point of x rated, and unrealistic, but I love it, perhaps for those very reasons.

Would I, and do I, let my girls watch it? Hell, no. I do have some scruples. But I, myself, even have it programmed into my DVR should I be out of the house (plus I love skipping the commercials). Do I think that the show should be so easily accessible? Not really. However, I'm glad it is because I can't afford the more expensive programming packages. So out of pure selfishness, I hope they keep it on.

I consider myself to be a moral, loving, mature and reasonable person. But I am also human. I, personally, do not like pornography. I don't find it entertaining in the least. It's crude, has no plot (unrealistic or not) and the men are ugly. Plus, I don't really want to see people having sex, I just want to see them pretending to, and only on this show. It's everything a porno isn't to me. It's filmed well, has plot and the men are stunning. I swear I would pay money to see Julian Campbell's butt. However, praise F/X, I don't have to.

Nip/Tuck has the ability to satisfy whatever sexual, carnal hunger you might have, but still have classy filming, good acting and none of the deragatory effects of porno. It satisfies that taboo side of me.

I realize at this moment I have probably succeeded in offending a great deal of people. I understand. I can accept one might being offended by the show, and by my opinion of it. It's America. Thankfully, we have that freedom. So, hate it if you must, hate me if you must. But hate my right to love this trashy show and you may as well be hating our Constitution.

That said, if you might still feel the need to comment right now on how blasphemous and shameful me and/or the show is, go ahead. I won't delete your comments. This is America. And though you might not respect my freedom of speech, I will definitely respect yours.

Until next time, Sissy

Topic of the Day

Why Saying I'm Sorry Just About Kills Me

The words 'I'm sorry' are often tools that successfully mend everything from broken hearts to broken glass to broken promises and forgotten vows. Can you imagine how many times a day these two words are spoken by humanity, my guess is as much or more than 'I love you'. I think it's safe to assume we screw up on a regular basis, it's a flaw we all have, some more than others. I'm sorry has fixed more than Elmer's glue I think. It's a powerful healing tool.

That being said, say those words, for me, are like vomiting razor blades. I hate it. I do everything I can to avoid having to say those words. When I have to suck it up and do it, I feel as if I'm starting to hyperventilate, my heartbeat speeds up, I start sweating and feel like there's a frog stuck in my throat. And when that happens I have to wonder, is it even worth it?

Of course it is. I'm not a total idiot.

Even knowing that I still don't say it half the time I probably should. The funny part about it is, I should say it a lot, cuz I really screw up a lot. I can't imagine what it is like for Ox to put up with this flaw. Poor guy. Now if I accidentally step on your toe I have no problem saying it. But if I step on your heart, that's another story. In other words, I buckle in clutch time.

Here's how it goes: I say something very snotty and uncalled for which spawns Ox to say something equally hurtful, which makes me madder...and so on. Before we know it we have both crossed the line of what is appropriate in even a productive argument. We have gone way past trying to work out the problem and into saying whatever it takes to simply make the person feel like crap. Keeping in mind, at these times I am the one who definitely started it. (Not that I start every argument, but I am responsible for a fair share).

So, I'm now fuming and hate his guts and can't stand to see his face because he's an insensitive jerk who has successfully made me teeter the homicidal line. I storm off. All the while I can't believe the nerve that jerk to say those meanful things to me. I can't believe I married such a beast.

I sit for several moments, stewing in my hatred. I've locked the door, otherwise that animal will barge in and insist on talking (the nerve!!). I'm ranting to myself. As the moments pass I begin to calm and think more rationally. I'm going over in my head the things that were said and who did what and when and why. It begins to dawn on me that, perhaps, I had actually started the awful thing and am responsible for turning it into something it didn't need to be, had I kept my mouth shut. Damn. I hate that. So I'm contemplating making it right. I know all I need to do is to holler for him and to say those two words, 'I'm sorry.'

But do I do it? No, I don't. I know I should. I feel like pond scum and really am sorry I did it. I love him and want him to like me again. Yet, I say nothing.

Eventually he comes into the room and do I show my pain and sorrow? No, I feign still being pissed at what a louse he is. I glare and ignore him. Say you're sorry, for crying out loud!! (I'm thinking). Yet I have no control over myself. I'm another kind of being that will be struck with some vial disease if I say the words 'I'm sorry.' Those words are death to my kind, otherwise I'd say it for sure. So, I continue to pout pathetically.

This is where he is sits next to me quietly and begins to mend ties that I broke. He's sorry, he's an ass, he shouldn't have said those things, he's wrong and please don't be mad. Damn right! Ok, he did it first, it is now ok for me to say it too, and I do. He then tells me there's no need for me to be sorry, so I'm not. But deep down I really am. I forgive him.

At this time I realize he really is the better man in these instances. He apologizes first whether he screwed up or not. And for a brief moment I feel like a total ass. I know I was bitchy and shouldn't have let him be the one to end the argument. And I ask my self why I can't just suck it up once in a while and say I'm sorry, when it really is my fault.

It's a character flaw that I'm acknowledging and hence trying to work on my talking about it. Of course, the above analysis is only relevent to arguments where I am the bigger bully. Trust me, there are plenty when I am not and he should be apologizing first. But that's another day. For now, I'm working on this. I have babbled incessantly for several paragraphs now and for that....

I'm sorry....
Sissy

Topic of the Day

Being A Gemini, Loving a Gemini

This is a topic I am quite familiar with. I am a Gemini, and I also am in love with a Gemini. The Gemini, of course, being the sign of the twins. The traditional traits of a Gemini are: youthful, communicative, eloquent, lively and versatile. The darker side of a Gemini are: nervousness, superficial, tense, inconsistent, cunning and inquisitive, (though I personally don't consider some of those to be negative, but that's just me). The fun of a Gemini is never knowing which quality will show itself when, and being able to bounce between them like a rabbit in love. We are more than one. The running joke in my house is that we have four people in our marriage and occassionally two of them will get a long.

The duality of being and loving a Gemini is unpredictable at best, frustrating at worst. One thing is always sure, however, and that's the fact that it is always exciting. If nothing else, a Gemini will keep you on your toes. If you like never knowing who you're going to wake up with, then a Gemini is for you. And if you are bored easily, then what better person to be with than someone who is loaded with personalities?

Ok, from the perspective of being a Gemini I have to say that the best part about it is that I can always find joy in whatever I'm doing, whoever I'm with, and wherever I am. I am adaptable to my surroundings and can blend with just about any kind of person, even if I am faking it for the sake of keeping peace. My ability to jump from one mood or topic to another is vast, and I like it. I can never learn enough about many different things. And I love all kinds of people. Diversity is my friend. I love listening to people and learning about them and their lives. In turn, people enjoy confiding in me because they see me as patient and attentive.

The downside is that even though I can adapt to any person and topic and seem knowledgable and interested, it doesn't mean I really am. Often I may seem interested but I'm not. And though I love learning and experiencing many new and different things, I often lose interest before I have a chance to master any of them. It's a curse. The result is that I know some about a lot of different things but not a great deal about most, if you get what I mean. And I tend to be controlling. I don't like being told what to do and will often rebel, even if I know I'm wrong.

Now, on the subject of loving a Gemini. This is much more complex. Keeping in mind this aspect of it is not only from just loving a Gemini, but being one as well, which is likely a whole different ball game. One thing I know for sure is that loving a Gemini is a full time job and never is it boring. In all honesty, I believe a relationship with a Gemini can really only be understood by another Gemini. That's because, to everyone else, we are temperemental, moody, selfish and dominating. We only get each other.

Because a Gemini will bounce from one mood to another at the drop of a hat, you have to be able to go with it as well. We are perpetually bi polar. I wake up every morning and wait for the first action or word that will tell me where my Gemini is in terms of attitude for the day. Then I try and go with that, though my own Gemini tendencies will sometimes render my understanding and impossibility. Once I have guaged his mood, I alter mine accordingly (unless I wake up hating him, and then he's done for). But, I always keep in mind that what the day starts out with is not necessarily what it will end with and he may shift to the dark side at any moment.

So, there it is. The ins and outs of being and loving a Gemini. It's not a job for the weak or weary. We are a species unto ourselves. Ok, maybe that's a tad ridiculous. But we are a bit of a Pandora's Box. Open at your risk.

Gemini by birth AND choice, Sissy

Could there be hope???

I know I've already successfully made mine and Ox's relationship sound habit, at best. However, today there was ray of light. Well, maybe not a ray, but a sliver...a definite peek. Anyway, I sat on his lap and told him I loved him. I expected a meager I love you in return. But instead I got a ridiculous, "You're welcome." I'm welcome??? It just made me laugh. He realized what an idiotic thing he said and he laughed too. Well, together, we laughed our a***s off. Which we haven't done in some time. It was nice.

Topic fo the Day

Ok, I'm going psycho on this blog thing. I'm loving it. I'm sure I've already succesfully deterred any possible followers because of my need to ramble and ramble, but oh well. I'm doing it for me, baby. So I'm implementing a topic of the day. I'll try to do it daily anyway. Now, this whole blog page of mine is just that, mine. My opinions are likely to be horrible to some others, maybe even ridiculous and I respect that. But take it easy on the comments and realize that whatever we all think, we're idiots to someone out there. So here is todays topic:

Celebrity Deaths

Macabre, I don't mean to be. But I've realized that nothing gets people enthralled more than a good, public death. As the saying goes (Keats I believe, but I could be wrong), "Through death, a terrible beauty is born." I guess we are all fascinated with the deaths of those we basically have become to believe are our friends, in a sense. By discussing this topic I'm in no way trying to say that a celebrity's death is more tragic or newsworthy than anyone's (I believe quite the opposite). But, truth be told, most change the channel when the story is about Bob in another city dying in a tragic car wreck, but change Bob to someone like George Clooney or Tom Cruise and now you're cooking. By the way, those two mentioned above were random names chosen on a spur of the moment, you can substitute anyone you like. Personally, I think George Clooney is gorgeous and Tom Cruise is intellectually fascinating.

Ok, so we've established that Bob isn't newsworthy. Sorry, Bob.

Lately, celebrity deaths have been all over the media. Brad Renfro, Heath Ledger are the latest tragic stories. But a star really doesn't even have to be dead to make the dead celebrity media. Take Britney Spears for example. I've actually seen websites that are taking wagers on how soon she will kill herself. I find this disturbing to say the least.

I'm certainly not pretending to be immune. I was around when Chris Farley, Princess Di, Phil Hartmann and many others died. I was even alive when Elvis and John Lennon died, though too young to remember. I do remember Reagan being shot in honor of Jodi Foster though. I, too, have been fixed to the TV.

But there is a part I do not want to see or hear about. That part is where the line is crossed (my humble opinion). I don't want to see a celebrity's body being wheeled out to the coroner's vehicle, I don't want to see loved ones grief stricken faces plastered on the TV and magazines, and I don't want to see aerial photos of funerals. This is the part where we have turned into something similar to a vulture circling a skunks roadside corpse. It's degrading to human beings to see these things. And, mostly, it is disrespectful to the dead and their loved ones to show them.

Has the media and society forgotten that celebrity's are first and foremost human beings just like us. Yes, they agree to a certain amount of privacy invasion and public desire for more, but no one asks or wants what is done when a celebrity dies. I watched Nancy Grace (who I actually really like) ask a reporter how Michelle Williams was handling Heath Ledgers death and the reporter responded with a detailed account of her emotional state. How would they know? I'm sure she wasn't out giving emotional update statements to the press. Did the reporter track down people who were there and ask? If so, how rude. My point is, death is tough, famous or not.

Think of the death of someone you love and then imagine having to read speculations and opinions about it in every magazine or seeing it on every channel and then having a camera shoved in your face every time you showed yourself in public. Yeah, we miss our favorite celebrities. I still haven't gotten over Brandon Lee and Steve Irwin dying myself. But why do we have to rub salt in the wounds?

It seems as if the people left behind when a celebrity dies understands that there is a certain obligation to the public because celebrity demands it. In the end, we get that story from them. After time has brought composure and maybe healed a little there are public statements made, interviews given and we, the fans, are given the taste we need in order to feel closer to those we admired so greatly. If you are patient, they will come.

But in the famous words of Dennis Miller, "That's just my opinion, I could be wrong."

See ya next time, Sissy

My Criminal Theory

Here's the deal...I have a book in my head, or a study or something. I have a clear idea about how I want to study to the criminal mind in order to prevent further crimes from happening. I'm sure it's not a new concept I have, but what is? And I'm sure I run a risk writing anything on here, as nothing is copywritten. But, in all honesty, it doesn't matter. My life is not going where I want it, and regardless of how badly I want to study this, it's not gonna happen. I have a mother with Alzheimer's and so this is where my life is. I can't leave this place to pursue something grander and more rewarding. My family comes first. But it doesn't mean that my passion for justice has dimmed or that I don't still think and ponder the possibilities. After all, I am still capable of thought and of forming opinions and doing research. So, I'm now going to put down some ideas and things I've written about the subject. What I'm hoping to accomplish is some sort of response from people like you, something that tells me I'm not the idiot Ox makes me feel half the time. So here goes....


If it is determined that an individual meets the criteria for the likelihood of future offenses, what steps are then taken? It isn't acceptable, or even legal, to condemn someone for criminal acts they have yet to, or may not even, commit.

Though certain behaviors may be believed, and quite often are present early on in life, to be determinates of future deviance, a person cannot be punished for what they might do, or what will likely happen later in their life. Therefore, what purpose can it serve to even identify and study these precursors? What good can come from recognizing the signs if we are only left in the position of having to wait for the crime to happen?

Is there a way to not only identify tendencies early in the lives of criminals that lead to illegal behaviors, but to treat the person before the crime has actually happened? Is it just as immoral to offer treatment, as opposed to punishment, before a crime has occurred?

If these behaviors can possibly be detected fairly accurately is it more immoral to stand aside and wait for the crime to happen than it is to enforce treatment laws? Why does the wife have to die before the abuser is put behind bars? And why should society have to wait to be victimized before help comes? if crime can be predicted, on any level, there is a certain obligation to do so.

Offering treatment to the younger persons exhibiting the early signs of criminal behavior makes more sense than waiting until they are well into adulthood and have little hope of rehabilitation. It is highly unlikely that a grown person awakes one day and decides to be a murderer or rapist or whatever. It is more likely that the person socially/mentally escalated to the point where their actions became the inevitable next step, a step many people probably saw coming.

Punishing someone for their crimes is a necessary tool that cannot be eliminated. However, the true goal of justice isn't punishment for the crime, but prevention of it. Every society strives for a system that has the tools it needs to deter criminals.

The determining of these behaviors offers a dilemna in itself. How do we identify what behaviors lead to criminality? The most logical source able to provide us with that information are the criminals themselves. No one knows a criminal better than a criminal. By probing the minds and lives of those who have already become the criminal. They are the ones with the keys to understanding what drives a person to commit a crime. By understanding who they were, we can better understand who they are.

I believe there must be triggers that set the wheels in motion, so to speak. Truth be told, we all have criminal inclinations. Everyone has felt the pull. Frustration, anger and desperation have touched everyone in a way that has provoked the desire to lash out in some way. We've been angry at our children to the point of feeling like we're close to snapping. We've all been so angry at our spouses, friends, or co-workers that we have wanted to become physical. Many of us have felt so helpless and rejected and angry and desperate that we have deep understanding towards the pull of deviant behavior.

These are basic human emotions experienced by us all for many different reasons. The only difference between people is there are those who do act, and those who don't. Why is that? What causes one person to respond to life in a way that leads to violence? And do those who do not cope with life show signs of this early on?

And more....

Is the need for violence something a person is born with, making the manifestation of it later in life an inevitibility? Or is it a product of social trauma, brought on by one's life's experiences? Or is it possible that violence is a learned behavior, brought to the surface due to society's own obsession and/or acceptance of it via TV and music, or society's unwillingness to effectively enforce appropriate consequences for said violent behaviors? Does one kill or rape simply because they can? Is it even remotely possible that violence simply boils down to those individuals lacking self control, unable to resist urges that are, in fact, felt by most people? Getting tools early on to these people can prevent violence later. It goes beyond teaching someone right from wrong while they're young. Many violent offenders are aware that their actions are wrong, and yet they continue to terrorize. Often, shame does not even prevent the offender from repeating their acts, often many times.

A little more....

When it comes to criminal acts we have often searched for many reasons why they happen, and what can be done in order to catch the criminal and stop future offenders from following the same path. Many tests have been developed in the hopes of finding answers to the questions of human behaviors.

So there it is. It's far from being every thought and opinion I have on the subject, but it's the little bit I've actually taken the time to write down. I have a passion for this. I long to help. I used to say I wanted to help bring closure to victims and their families but now I realize that is ridiculous. There is really no such thing as closure, it certainly isn't something a stranger can give, regardless of noble intent. However, what can be given to these people is answers, restoration and, hopefully, a sense of justice. We are born a blank slate (who said that? I like it), where do some go so wrong? And do they really have to? Violence isn't genetic, it's a choice, but who in the hell chooses it? We know that some do, and I want to know why. And when. And can we stop it?

Sick Kids

It's my day off today and on any normal day off I'd be out running around somewhere. However, I have a sick little one today. And I'm also financially retarded. That being said, it leaves me here at home for the remainder of my weekend. In all reality, it's probably a good thing. I have a shopping condition. If I can't leave, I can't spend. I'm not really an Internet shopper so I'll be pretty safe I think. My plans for the day will likely be reading or playing on the computer, maybe a movie thrown in and, of course, responding to the faint "mommy's" drifting from the back bedroom (likely to go on every few minutes). With all of that being said, I think I'll pick up where I left off last night and sort out some more of my life, then I'll be able to move on to the now.
As I recall, I was 17 and had just brought my new daughter, who I'll call Slim, home from the hospital to stinkin Motel 6 room that I shared with my father. It was embarassing. But it was a bit of a slap in the face in terms of me realizing that my life was just not normal and I needed to make a serious change and break away. Though I realized this at that point didn't mean that I was successful at accomplishing my prison break. It would still be some time before I was able to do it. Another five years to be exact.
However, I did make a feeble attempt to head out on my own when I was 19. I married my best friend who was in the military and we moved to NY. We were friends since elementary school and I really believed he would be the one to make a good life for me and Slim. I was wrong. We were only married a couple months and he beat Slim. I knew I had to leave. I was forced to call on my dad to save me. I was free from the horrible marriage, but again forced to be indebted and rely on my father.
I continued to live life not knowing where I was going or for how long or with no knowledge how I would take care of a kid. But then, on a whim, I applied for an apartment at a low income complex and was approved. I was 22. Standing up and saying I was leaving was hard but I did it. And I was proud as hell. I even enrolled in college at the same time, and had a job I liked. I thought I had finally done it, become my own person. That is, until my father said he needed a place to stay for a couple weeks. He stayed for over year. And my freedom was gone again, as was my confidence in my ability to be happy and succesful on my own. I fell for one more con and left my apartment after college and went with my father to what was supposed to be the start of a great life, yeah right. I had finished school at least.
It lasted a pathetic three months and I woke up and realized I was still dumb as a stump and had made the biggest mistake of my life. I packed up and came back to Cali and moved in with my mom and step dad, who continually encouraged me to break away and take control. I should have listened a long time before.
A month after I came back to Cali I bought a pickup so I could get to work and do things for Slim. The piece of crap broke down every day. I finally had to take it in to a shop where the mechanic was great and fixed it and then also married me. :-) He didn't marry me that day of course, we had some filler time in between though not much.
We got pregnant before the wedding. I was, literally, barefoot and pregnant when I got married. But happy as hell. It was the greatest day. Needless to say, my father was probably not real happy, but he kept it to himself at least. We had Piglet, a beautiful little girl six months after we were married. Life was good. At that time my husband really was my best friend.
As years have passed that has changed. We no longer communicate as well and found out that our opinions about raising the girls differs immensley. We fight over money and kids and who should do what in the house. I do give him credit for supporting me emotionally when I went back to school for my bachelors, though he's not very supportive that I have to make student loan payments now. At this point, I pretty much don't do anything right and sometimes think he'd be happier if he didn't have to be a father or husband at all. And it makes me sad because I have loved him so very much. Even though I haven't been perfect for sure, my devotion to him has never wavered. And I love the man I married, I just wonder where he is any more.
So that brings me up to date a bit. Of course, I left out a ton of crap that might make it's way into my blogging at some point. But here I am in current time and I can go on from here. Maybe...
Until the next one, Sissy

Who am I?

I'm inspired by a fellow blogger (thank you) to do this post. Though I will not be so thieve-ish as to steal the clever title, nor will I do this each Friday (or maybe I will, who knows?). But for now, here are some parts of me.
I wish I was in Ireland right now!!
I read an entire book yesterday.
Wearing red makes me a different person.
I have extremely vivid dreams of having wings.
I live to question the norm.
I would be happy being a student forever.
My grandfather was at Pearl Harbor when it was bombed.
I'm six inches taller than my older brother.
I love the autonomy of art.
I don't really believe life is anything like a box of chocolates, but it sounds nice.
I think the sexiest man alive is the man who has lips I can't quit kissing no matter how I try.
I hate sharks, but love the ocean.
Dreams are not wishes our heart makes, otherwise I'd be wishing to fall down an elevator shaft.
I'm horrible at math yet have spent all my life working at casinos and banks.
Justin Timberlake is not sexy, and it never left...so he didn't bring it back.
I eat three pounds of butter on my popcorn and have no guilt.
Field of Dreams is the best movie ever.

A favorite poem

Fire And Ice

by Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

I think we're alone now

Ok, now that Ox isn't breathing down my neck I'll try and make some progress. First I need identify what I think my downfall is.... You see, I seem to have multiple personalities (not in the Sybil sort of way, I assure you). But several personalities none the less. What I mean is that no one really knows me, least of all me probably. The reason for this is that the only thing consistent about me is that I'm inconsistent. What I want one day is most likely not what I'm gonna want the next. I oozing with layers.
The most I can say is that there are definites that stay in my life regardless of what phase I'm going through. The things you can always be assured of is that: I adore my daughters (even though one is a teenager and I could scream), I'm fascinated by the criminal mind (and wanting to understand it so I can be a part of the solution), I love movies and music and books, my husband really isn't my best friend, I wish I was having a love affair in Ireland (Italy is good too), I abhor cheaters(probably hard to believe as I just said I wish I was having a love affair), I hated my childhood as much as the next person, and I'm addicted to knowledge. Those things pretty much stay the same for me, with slight variations of course. Ok, I realize I seem somewhat shallow. I'm not really. I don't cheat on my husband, and never would, but that doesn't mean I'm happy with him either. I love him for the life he gave me, but I don't really know him any more. But that's beside the point.
Ok, I'm gonna go for a brief synopses here...relay the tales of ghosts of my past, present and future, only without the talent of Dickens.
Anywho.... it was a dark and stormy night (or day really), and I was born on Father's Day. So I lie sometimes...it wasn't dark or stormy, it was June after all. The stigma of being born on Father's Day would be something that set the tone for many years to come. To say it was destiny I became a daddy's girl would be true. My parents grew up together in the same small town and got married on a whim. I think dad's proposal was "Hey, I'll marry you," when my mother whined because no one would want her since she had a son out of wedlock. And so my parents got married. And why not? It was the 70's after all. Lo and behold a year or so later yours truly entered the picture.
Long story short: the marriage didn't last (big shocker). When I was 8 my mother came to Cali to visit her parents, met my step dad and never looked back. Meaning she left my dad just like that. In all actuality, that probably wouldn't have been so bad since there marriage was a joke anyway, except she left me too. Hence, I was daddy's girl. Not really by choice, but by default.
From that point on my life was spent in motels, spare rooms, trailer parks and so on. I never made friends or had a room of my own hardly. The longest we stayed anywhere was probably six months. Most of my life I had to share a room with my father. Naturally, it scarred me for life. Not nearly as much as when he married my wicked step mother and left me to raise the little sister I didn't really want but grew to love with all my heart. Did I mention that my step mom divorced my uncle to marry my dad? Yeah, I know, I have Jerry Springer on speed dial.
Of course that didn't last and she left too, taking my little sister that I had raised for three years and ran away. I didn't see her again for ten more years. And now, I was pregnant too. At 17, and alone. I brought my daughter home from the hospital and welcomed her into our lovely hotel room...me, her and my dad! It felt like rock bottom. That's when I knew I had to cut the cord with dear old dad. But his hooks were in so deep, he had me convinced I couldn't make it unless I was under his wing at all times. He was an expert on the guilt trip and the emotional con. And I always broke. Dammit.
All right, I'm overloading. I should take a breather. Keeping in mind that I'm writing this more for myself than for anyone to actually read. So if I do want to ramble on incessently, than I darn well will. You don't have to read it. But if you do read it, be kind, it's my life after all. Going for ice cream now...maybe I'll be back later.
Until then, Sissy