As some people know I've been questioning the joys of marriage for some time now. I go back and forth between the love and hate, realizing that the old cliche is true and the line really is fine. It's easy to see how people who once shared so much love now find themselves crossing the love line and going into Hate Town, population: HIM!
Well, since I live on a constant teeter of not knowing what to do, what's right, what if I mess it up? I think I've finally put the nail into my own marital coffin. Maybe, who knows?
You see, I'm buying a house. Myself. Not only is his name not involved, he doesn't even know. Yikes! That's a big FU if I ever saw one, I know. However, I fell in love with this house and showed it to him, hoping we might be ready to make the change. We live way out of town, the house is in town, by both our jobs. It would be a money saver for sure. But he refused.
On a whim, or death wish maybe, I said to heck with it and applied for a loan, which I never thought would be approved, and it still may not. But it's looking much more possible than I believed. So now I'm faced with the dilemna about it and why I did and what am I going to do about it.
Why did I even do it? Do I want him to hate my guts? I knew, know, that he's going to have kittens when he finds out. Do I figure we'll make it through, or am I hoping he tells me to get out? Am I trying to buy it because I'm definitely wanting to go live in it, am I lying to myself telling myself that I can rent it out?
Honestly, I think I want him to be so mad he can't forgive me. I think it would be so much easier if he left me. And that is one awful thought. I think I'm weak. And I'm scared. I have no idea what I'm getting myself into.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
First Time Home Owner
Posted by sissy at 1:31 PM
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2 comments:
Hey,
U wudn believe how glad im to see u back here... If u hadn left a comment, which i got in my mail, i wudn have even known...Im not very active here for a long time now... But now, even i will try to update once a while... So much has changed in my life.. Will write about it later.But im sorry to hear everything thats happening in your life.I hope everything will work out great for u... u will b in my prayers for sure...N i really hope everything works out great between u n ur husband...
I'm glad too. Things are crazy in my neck of the woods to say the least. But I'm coming to terms with things. I have to realize that things end sometimes. Whether we want them to or not. Nothing lasts forever and it's better to realize when something isn't healthy any more than to stay and be miserable. Love just isn't enough sometimes. I'll be okay no matter what happens. It feels good to hear from you and to 'hear' your kind words. Thanks.
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